I started my Lupron again today which means IT’S ON!!! The transfer is 4 weeks from today and I don’t know where the time has gone. Since we last posted, we have had to fire our lawyer. They were charging us an astronomic amount for things that just weren’t necessary considering nothing was going on at the time. It was pretty disappointing but we didn’t know what we were doing. Since the last transfer, we have found some Facebook groups about surrogacy and intended parents who have given us some resources and guidance. I am so thankful to have these encouragining groups this go around because last time we did at all by ourselves and had no where to turn.
My family and I just got back from our vacation in Florida and it was wonderful. We had a great time, although not as relaxing as a trip without kids, we made some wonderful memories.
I’m amping up for August because it’s going to be a busy month, but I feel much more prepared this time around. The first transfer, we didn’t know what to expect but now I feel that I have a better handle on things. This doesn’t mean that I am emotionally prepared or that I know any and every thing that could possibly happen but I’m ready to make this happen.
I’m looking forward to Marci and Lance coming to St. Louis and being able to stay for a few days after the transfer. I hated that Marci had to leave right after the transfer last time because I wanted to spend more time with her.
Will update again soon!!
What an incredible journey this has been thus far and it’s no where near being over. I haven’t posted lately and for no other reason except that not much has been going on. I feel much better than I did about the loss and I’m ready to do this again. My ultimate goal of making my best friend a mother has not been achieved so I still have work to do.
One exciting thing that happened is that Marci and I have both joined a few support groups on Facebook for Surrogate mother’s and Intended Parents. We get to watch other people go on their journey’s and support other couples and women who are going through the process. It is encouraging and enlightening and we are both really enjoying it. We have shared the blog with a few others in hopes that it may encourage someone. My hopes for this blog started out as a place to express my feelings but I realized soon after that I wanted it to be an encouragement and maybe a guide to someone who is new to the process. It’s a real humdinger manuevering your own way through this whole deal and if we can help someone else, that I feel that we have served our purpose. I didn’t realize until Marci and I really started this process that the issue of infertility and surrogacy is where my heart lies. I have a desire to get involved more in the community and share our story.
I received my packet of info with all of the dates and orders for tests and medications and it was so much different getting it the second time around. I was completely overwhelmed when I got it the first time because I had no idea what to expect and it was a lot of information. This time, I feel more educated and comfortable with the process so I’m thinking it’s going to be a piece of cake (as much as it possibly can be considering 😉
I have intentionally lightened my stress since things didn’t work out. The whole process made me open my eyes and realize I was running myself ragged. If I want things to be successful, I plan to do all I can to make it so. I backed away from some of my commitments that, unbeknownst to me, were stressing me out more than they were bringing me joy. I feel much less stressed and ready to move forward.
Until next time…….
Lance and I are beginning to bounce back again after Carrie’s miscarriage. I still get sad when I walk into our spare bedroom and see the little newborn outfit we picked out the day we found out Carrie was pregnant, and when I walk by the baby section at Younkers when I’m working. I guess that will probably never go away as long as I don’t have a baby to hold in my arms. I still have my moments when it hurts so bad that I don’t even want to get out of bed…this past weekend was a hard one and I’m not sure why. But God always pushes me along and tells me to stop feeling sorry for myself and to get my ass out of bed. 🙂 So that’s what I do…I keep on moving.
We have 2 frozen embryos in the care of our amazing doctor, Dr. Silber. We are going to try again with those two little embies and the transfer date is set for August 28. Since we have frozen embryos left, I won’t need to do anything this time around. Carrie will start her meds up again the end of July. Unfortunately, we found out not too long ago that our coordinator, Nicole, is moving into a managerial position at Dr. Silber’s office so she won’t be our coordinator this time around. Carrie and I were both very, very bummed about this because we both had grown quite attached to Nicole. She was amazing from beginning to end…and still is actually. So we will have another coordinator, Mindy, for this transfer and I told Nicole that she has HUGE shoes to fill because I can’t imagine anyone doing as good of a job as her. Nicole said maybe Mindy is our Good Luck Charm. 🙂
Carrie will be back in town this weekend and I can’t even tell you how excited I am to see her. This will be the first time we’ve seen each other since we found out we lost the baby(ies) so I think we are both really needing to see each other. We went from seeing each other so much more than we had gotten used to since she has been in St. Louis and I’m missing her like crazy. I plan to soak up every moment possible while she’s here. 🙂
Well, as you all know by now, the happiest moment in our lives quickly turned into yet another disappointment. You would think by now, Lance and I would be somewhat used to hearing the dreaded bad news. And while we do seem to get better at handling the bad news each time, it still sucks each and every time. Like Carrie, Lance and I had somewhat prepared ourselves on Monday when Carrie’s numbers hadn’t gone up as much as they needed to, but we still had some hope that maybe she was one of the success stories that her numbers just rose slowly in the beginning. Wednesday when we heard her numbers had dropped down to 39, that hope was lost…we knew we had another failed attempt. It is hard enough when you are going through IVF on your own and it fails, but when you bring someone else in to go through the journey with you…its hard. I felt guilty for Carrie being upset. I know (because she has reassured me) that she wanted to do this, but its still hard.
So…how did Lance and I deal with the bad news? Well, on Monday, we took turns crying. I held him while he cried and he held me while I cried. We didn’t leave our bed all afternoon/night. On Wednesday, when we got the call, we cried for a little bit. And then decided that we needed a project to keep us from getting into a never ending moping session. So we went to Menards and bought 160 pavers to extend our patio. That definitely did the trick for the next day and a half. And by Friday, neither of us could barely move (each paver weighed 42 pounds) because our muscles hurt so bad so it was hard to think of anything BUT that. Yes, I know, we probably don’t have the best coping mechanisms, but its what works for us and has gotten us through 4 failed IUIs, 2 failed IVFS, and now one failed surrogacy.
So where do go from here? Well we can try again after Carrie has 3 periods. We have 2 frozen embryos so we will be trying again in August or September. And although I know it could be yet another disappointment, I know that God does have a plan for us. Even though we may not like it, I can’t change it. So we will do everything we can to try have a baby, but if its not in the picture for us, we will be fine. Lance and I have an amazing marriage and whatever plan God has for us, we will take it in strides because as long as we have each other, we can get through anything.
Well, things didn’t end up working out. I will have to say that the emotional roller coaster that comes along with the HCG tests is hell. It’s hurry up and wait. When you get good news, the wait sucks. When you think you may be getting bad news but don ‘t want to say it out loud, it seems 100 times longer and sucks way worse. I tried so hard to be hopeful and I have never prayed so hard in my life. I really thought that there was a chance that things could turn around. I had looked up many stories online where a woman’s HCG level rose slowly and everything turned out ok. That was what gave me hope and kept my nerves from being completely frayed.
The first pregnancy test we took on May 6th, my HCG level was 57 and they wanted to it to be over 25. They said it seemed like a solid number so I felt pretty good about things. I went back on May 8th and it went up to 91. Even though it didn’t double, I was encouraged that it went up. They wanted me to come back again on Monday to make sure they were doubling the way they should be. The nurse said that this was normal and nothing really to be too concerned about. Marci was nervous but I was not. I wanted to do anything I could to give her some peace so she asked me to take a pregnancy test, to which I obliged. I took the first test in the afternoon and it showed up positive within a minute. I decided to take another one in the morning to ensure that it was the most concentrated specimen and again, it showed up in less than a minute. This gave Marci some peace of mind which made me feel so much better.
I went in on Monday May 12th for another blood test and we got the results back around 1:30 and it was not the best news. My HCG only went up to 106 and that was not really a good indication. Our coordinator Nicole, was out of town so we were talking to someone who was unfamiliar with us and our situtation. The office never called me and it was very difficult for me to receive this news only second hand through a text message. I started to cry when I talked to my husband because I was very unprepared for that news. I was really trying hard to remain positive and believe that God would perform a miracle. I have never prayed harder in my entire life. I begged and pleaded and knew that if anyone could make this happen, it was God. He had made blind men see and paralyzed people walk so I just knew that he could make this situation turn around.
I went back in on Wednesday May 14th and we were hoping for quick results since we had the test done at the hospital lab and it seemed to be quicker this way. We were also relieved because our coordinator was going to be back from vacation. Marci and I were both looking forward to hearing from her again. I was at work awaiting the news and by about 10:30 my nerves were off the chart! I thought we would have heard something around this time. I tried to stay at work but by 12 I couldn’t handle the anticipation anymore so I went home. I was still praying as hard as I could. It was about 1:15pm that I got a call from the doctors office and it was another coordinator calling with the news that we had prayed so hard that we would not receive. My HCG had gone down to 39. This was not good news. They told me I would discontinue my medicine and wait for my period to start. I need to have 3 periods before we try again.
Now for my feelings about all of this. To be honest, my grieving started on Monday when we found out that my number only went up about 15 points. I hadn’t lost all hope but this started to prepare me I now know. I was sad because Marci and Lance finally allowed themselves to get excited. I don’t understand why this is happening and I may never understand but for right now, I’m angry. Angry that this is happening to people that I love dearly and want so badly to see them become parents. It’s just not fair. I know that life isn’t always fair but I will never understand why this happens. I have felt .01% of the pain that they have endured through this journey and I don’t know how they can keep on trying. What I do know is that when you really want something, nothing can ever stop you. I am doing this because I want them to experience the joys of parenthood. And I’m not giving up.
I just had to share this because this will show you how scatterbrained Marci, Lance and I have been the last few days. Tuesday morning before we left for the hospital, Marci said, “you will never believe what I forgot: underwear.” We giggled about that.
So after having my blood drawn, we all went to the bathroom. When I came out, I said to Marci, “Well don’t feel bad, I just realized that my underwear were on inside out!” We thought that was pretty funny.
So Lance was in the bathroom for a few extra minutes and he finally came out and Marci asked him what took so long. He said that he had his underwear on backwards so he had to turn them around. When we realized that all of us had underwear trouble, we realized that we were all a mess!! Too funny not to share!!